What is changing religion? Escaping from the shackles of one to end into another.
No, I am not talking about the rights, laws and what not…but the philosophy and psychology behind it.
This is why I change religions:
I am living in a perpetual search of myself, a search that wishes to differentiate truth from fiction…reality from illusion. A search that has become a desperate need for me. A search that has emerged from the limitations of the present, from the questions that I no longer seems to answer. I have been outgrowing those pros and cons that get to the conclusion. I have outgrown the conclusions. I have outgrown that complete which is not the whole. I have outgrown all that something that I have known to exist. I have outgrown this myth to seek another. I know I cannot live all these lives together. But that doesn’t make me any lesser. I have over lived those ideas and ideals which I believed were too strong to be broken. And I refuse to believe that this conclusion would be uncertain, it will only change shape will look different but will have the same form?
I live in a continuous war with myself in search of a peace that will liberate me from here, and that will bridge my vision to me. In between the stability that could rot me and the motion that could lose me, I am trying to be alive.
In between that repetition that could prove me nothing and the mutations that could prove me everything I am trying to keep me from dying.
I have outgrown all these corners and edges of this zigzag puzzle only to seek another beyond these edges, beyond these corners. In search of something new I am giving up these boundaries which are worm eaten, squeezed and expanded by the worldly wise and vise, the face wrinkled by greed and bits of failure and success it had brought with its morals.
I am giving up these rigid depths hot with blood and sweat of worshipers both ardent and lousy for a new reason and faith. I am waiting to be carried around to this new glory. I am waiting to be molded in this shape of a new faith.
I am waiting to have my doubts carried away with the strength of its reason.
I am waiting to see its ability reflected in my dedication.
I am waiting to see it’s vastness reflect in my presence.
I am living in search of that reason which can’t be further argued.
I am in search of that new faith that can never be questioned.
Yet, and I refuses to believe I am living in search of a shifting end.
I am living in search of that perfect desire, will and ability that will end the need of a mind.
In search of that mind which will end the need of a prayer.
In search of that prayer which will end the need of a heart.
In search of that heart which will end the need of the body.
In search of that body which will have no fear of death.
In search of that death which would have no life beyond, and there would be no need for morals, duties and laws to preserve them, which can’t be altered by time, never exalted in dreams nor there would be a need to prove it in deeds, neither priced by greed nor having boundaries.
Living within old barriers I am in search of changing boundaries.
I refuses to believe new boundaries would be created, new barriers erected.
I refuse to believe that I would still be living the same life conditioned to be at attention by different rules of the same set and I would still be within not without.
I wish to seek the proof of the fact that there is more of me than this.
I wish to rebel to prove every past is brittle.
I wish a new tomorrow to prove myself that my form can be molded into a new shape.
This search proves my love, my vanity, my passion, my reality, and sanity.
My faith beyond the myth and my reason beyond the repeated cliché.
I live in search of a bigger brighter world.
In search of those words whose meanings lie not in others head, in search of those prayers those are born not out of others heart. In search of that reality where my dreams will not be limited, in search of that space where my mind would not be restrained, in search of a difference that shows.
This is a war between the past saints and the present giants.
This is a war between a mind that can conceive and those minds that borrow the conception.
This is a war raging in the mind between illusion and delusion, between wisdom and naked desire for power, between fiction realities are based on and reality fiction is based on, between too many questions and very few answers. And I sit wondering what did I get out of it?
I am still as scared of tomorrow as I was always….I will still be on my knees. I have just changed the wall paper of the prison but the prison still has me.