You will think why I am telling you this? Well, I can talk to my friends and relatives. Half of them will just feel as helpless as I am, the other half will say “You are a physician, you know everything, you should be stronger.” I don’t want either. I am going to post this, one because none of them read blogs or anything and secondly because I have to keep myself occupied to be sane.
But talking to you guys? I could be talking to God or the winds or the sun or the walls or to you. Not because you won’t feel for me but because I can tell you this without felling like a spineless idiot…..or I don’t know what but I hope you understand. I can say whatever I want yet not say it. It’s like talking to myself yet letting out the pain. I hope you get it.
I still remember the first time I told him, “I want to be a writer.”
He said, “What? Why can’t you do what you are doing?” he didn’t say it but shouted it out as loud as he could. It was like a rushing freight train suddenly honking in your ears. You turn to see and hope you are not in its powerful path. Thank God you are still alive! It’s that massive , that powerful. I had felt just like that when I heard my dad holler that fine day. My heart had leapt into my mouth. That kind of bombastic voice he had.
Today I went to see him inside that icy chilling ICCU and know what, he whispered. I could barely hear him. It was just breath going in and out.
I know things are inaudible at times. Like in a big city. People can’t hear their own heart beat and you feel invisible. But this whisper? It made me feel like shit. He is sleeping…drowsy with the medicines being pumped into him…..under the white bed sheets. The whole place looks ominous and he looks pale and small and so fragile.
I have never ever felt this disgustingly helpless. And I am a physician!
Nature and it’s stooges have that kind of vile power. To make you fell like a maggot. So small that you are invisible till you can fell the smell of a powerful disinfectant. Not capable of anything but crawling though dead decaying matter trying to live one moment at a time.You know, through fifteen years of experience as a physician I have seen many many patients, thousands of them, some come in bad shape and go back fine. Some look almost fine holding on to some inner will power yet don’t make it beyond the walls. Men, woman, children….sometimes it is frustrating …so frustrating that there have been times when I wanted to give up being a doctor altogether. Something out there always made me feel I was just a puppet.
Sometimes it felt like I was sitting in a white coat fighting the inevitable death…never winning just barely postponing the end.
But today I know even though I might not win over death, postponing will do. I am fine with all the postponing possible.
I am praying to God, “Postpone the end. Please.”
And well, I am posting you this because I have to keep myself occupied , just so I don't panic or behave like an idiot.